I have been battling insomnia since i was in middle school. But it was never too serious, it would just come and go, for a month or so, i would suffer from this illness (so to speak) and it has never really bothered me until these past few days.
It's almost 2 weeks that i haven't really had a good night sleep and my body is aching for one. Have you ever felt so tired that you just wanna sleep for the rest of the day but unfortunately, you fucking can't?
I want to sleep, please, not just sleep though, i want to have a good rest. I missed the feeling of freshness and getting fueled up when you wake up.
This thing that i am going through has cost me nothing but depression, insecurity and a lot of negative thinking. On my way to the office, I was thinking whether I'm going to resign from my current job or not. I want to rest even just for a month from everything that I am doing. I missed my high school days where i have 3 months to free my mind of school stuffs and everything in between. When i started college, I never really had the chance to have a school break having been enrolled in a college which conducts Tri-semesters. And then I started working while studying. Honestly, my classmates must have been very jealous of me because I don't have to worry of my future-- thingking that I have a stable job already, but for me, If I had a choice, I wouldn't mind going through all the trouble of job hunting just as long as I won't have to sacrifice my personal happiness. It's true that it is really quite overwhelming to land a job which offers an ample amount of salary for a teenager like me, but I think I missed the thrills that my fellow students felt. I missed staying late outside, I missed going out with my friends and all those small things they have been telling me about but it's too late to fret about this.
You see, lack of sleep makes me realize a lot of things. But I have been very vocal about this ever since I step inside this office, I figure I can't really be a programmer for the rest of my life, this is not meant for me, why? coz i'm not happy, I don't really excel on this field. I believe I am more on Web designing, Graphic Arts thingy, Photography and animating (which is, mind you, still under Computer Science).
Perhaps next year, when I feel like I am ready, I'll look for another job, the one that would make me wanna look forward to working and not the other way around.
Stress is really knocking me out. It's preventing my body to sleep and my mind to function.
Help, anyone?? Today I tried drinking one glass of wine and i ended up in a trance state but still i wasn't able to get the rest that i wanted. and here i am in the office, half awake, thinking how will i end this predicament.
If there is just an off button for my body, i could have switched it
off a long time ago.
I just want to sleep and for a moment free myself from all the stress this world is giving me. :(
--update: wee i can sleep now, i just needed a weekend rest. i had a SL from work and i had a massage. now i can sleep for 8 hours. :) Thank God.
